Oda a tu corazón.

Alicia e Irma son una misma como el agua
es río, mar y lluvia a su albedrío.
Brevemente separadas por espacio en el papel,
un silencio entre palabras, la distancia entre dos letras
y un sonido muy sutil a cierta ciencia en desnivel.

Me refiero a una ya la otra en armonía,
cuan distinta o similar vida en semblanza,
si en belleza ya la una es utopía,
pues la otra es en carácter añoranza.

Su sonrisa es el misterio más cautivo,
que en sus labios tan alegre se dibuja,
pues no sabes si sonríen por alegría
o sólo por ser amables a tu alma.

Con violencia así me invade la locura que provoca
que mi corazón de un vuelco al sentir la euforia en sí,
de tenerla tan presente, que el presente es permanente,
cuya estela tan sonriente hoy me sorprende al soñar.

Ese gesto confabula con sus ojos,
cuando miran de soslayo mis reproches y esperanza de quererla así y amar,
no hay estadio en el que muera o viva la existencia al descubierto,
de esta flama sempiterna, que no tuvo despertar.

Esta niña es la mujer que afirma el mundo,
gran visión meditabunda me provoca en sí al andar,
pues va más allá del sueño superando expectativas,
ya que era más que esperanza: un grave bosquejo del alma.

Tan sólo con su mirada fortalece mi existencia,
Arropando en mi inconsciente inusitado bienestar,
Y que forja con mi sangre esa certeza que bien nace
al entregar la vida por amor, la más noble y bella causa,
la virtud y la humildad que no provoca tal honor!

Si en el tono de su tez así tan blanca es, su silueta,
debía ser un gran poeta si quisiera describir,
y en la oscuridad pudiera su semblante distinguir,
cuyo andar de buen talante de la sien la pulcritud
Por enojo caminante, tan sapiente senectud.

Es la llama de la vela que engrandece así mis ojos
y la lluvia que ferviente su ventana golpetea,
perpetuando ese vaivén de la tormenta,
que se acrecenta luego al otro lado del cristal...

Luz y sombra que las ve y las proyecta,
levemente emancipada y dulcemente predilecta
derramada con lágrimas en mis manos,
por la tinta que informó en líneas, su ser.

- Mimes 2005

Valex, Irma and me 

About a girl...

(dramatization) [snare-hi-bass-hi-snare-hi-crash] ...

Alice I fell in love with at a party in November, just before Arce and I became a couple. It was love at first sight. It'd never happened to me before and we connected in such a way. Chemistry in full blown action. Everything was perfect. We were both a little high on booze tho. I made a decision afterwards, and I like to ponder whether it was the right one, but it doesn't matter anymore... I stayed with Arce. And it was the way my heart was pulling me... it was supposed to be like that I guess. Later, when we broke, I came back looking for Alice... It wasn't the same tho. She obviously thought I didn't value her at the time, that she was the second option, ... she was very sore at me.
Who knows? Sometimes I think I'm cursed, sometimes I think I'm blessed... prolly it's not what I'm meant to do. I like to believe that, I really do. Little do I know what I do show I know without being phony about it.

So this month it was all about Alice. Visits to her house, long talks with her and her sister Eu (they live together). Going out once in a while.
Singing my guitar for her, bringing her small presents, getting to know her. Learning a lot :)
One thing I didn't like is that after a while of being together I started to be quite phony with her. It wasn't easy for me to hang out with her. She didn't made it easier. She was very straight forward and all but you could tell she didn't like me around much. Maybe I was trying too hard. Once I brought my guitar to her place, and started singing. Just for the hell of it. I thought, 'Boy, she's gonna enjoy it'. She did, but suddenly she asked me: 'So why did you come _here_ to play guitar? Just because you like to play guitar?' Almost like 'Who let you in?'. But she did enjoy it nonetheless, imho. You could tell. So I felt a little nervous and very out of place and (gosh yeah) without losing my crumby politeness said: 'Yep. Just for the hell of it, waddya know? Lemme sing for you a bit more and then... Scram.'
She could be mean and icy, just like the girl in The Beatles' song. The guitar wasn't even my idea, it was her sister's. *Blush* Her sister Eu is on my side btw, she is helping me achieve my 'enterprise' for Chrissake! Everyone is helping me, even her friends! What a moron I am!

She never said anything 'nice' now that I recall. She _was_ nice but she neither complimented or else. She isn't that way tho. She smiled a lot and was patient with me. I noticed that. It wasn't much of a comfort. Almost as if she'd nothing better to do. But, her smile was enough nonetheless, for a while. She was honest. And she knew about her smile, and her eyes. She played with them.

Yesterday she told me it was all over. Her ex-boyfriend made her a visit and they had this 'conversation'...
so it appears that they're a couple again, or at least almost for certain. She is pretty sure of that and the way she said it
I realize I don't figure at all in her plans (did I ever?).

She started by saying 'Did I once tell you about my first boyfriend, the one who lasted like 1 year 8 months? (yeah, _like_ 1 year 8 months). Well, he has a stable job in Pemex, a house, ... all that cr*p (that's the first thing she mentioned!) It's ok I guess, she wants to settle. 1st priority. Her family lives nearby, her world is here, who knows...
He is like 8 years older than she (boy I thought I was the gramps, I'm 4 years older) and she told me,
very nicely and cool btw, how he wanted to marry her after two years of being together... but at that time she hadn't finished school and all, and she was 19. So she freaked out and left him. I probably would've done the same... hmm yeah sure.

In the words that followed she didn't show the least emotion. I mean, like if she was talking about the weather or something. Man was I worried. She was smiling all the time, but I've come to the conclusion that her smile is now and then like a polite japanese smile, not because she's happy or anything. I was worried because mayhaps it was very difficult for her to show her feelings and I was worried also because maybe she didn't have any feelings whatsoever while she dispatched me. It wasn't difficult for her. You could tell. She simply said 'Well, I think that's it. Thank you for the soap and all (I'd brought her orange blossom soap, my last kick!) We'll still see each other in social events and parties you know' - What the hell was that? -'I'm telling you so you won't be surprised that maybe next week you hear - Alice's got a boyfriend or so' Man it made me way sad but I didn't feel like crying. I stared. She didn't reach out to hug me or anything. I felt sorry for her in a way, then I felt sorry for me. What am _I_ doing here? I kissed her goodbye. I didn't ever felt like kissing her lips for a change.

I actually felt happy for her, because she was excited about the whole thing and all. I kept saying... 'Err... well good luck with your ex-boyfriend, I think it's pretty cool that you come back together. Oh girl! He was your first boyfriend, that's a lot ain't it?' while I touched her back - paternally. Then I climbed on my bycicle and left. I can be very phony sometimes.

I wasn't even mad. I was kind of dissapointed. But I felt liberated in the sense that I need'nt worry any more. She can do what she wants for all I care. I even pictured her living with me in a dream, thinking of what would've been if she'd returned to her old boyfriend. Her first love. Then I realized I wasn't in love with her at all. Not anymore. But that thing you don't wanna know unless you've got nothing left to lose. That's how selfish I can be...

She likes to read. She's specially fond of horror and sci-fi tales. Poe, Lovecraft and Asimov. I bought her a couple of books - by two favorites (Castaneda & Dan Brown). She hasn't read 'em though. No big deal. She 'joked' and asked me if I wanted them back. That killed me. I said in this 'try to be cool' voice: 'No way you keep them, they're yours :-)' That depressed me helluvalot. She also wanted to return the soap to me haha. People returning presents or asking them back is way depressing. Well I know people who would've asked for the books back and made a scene.

I haven't finished her poem. It's one of the most troublesome poems I've ever tried to write. It just won't come out well. I mean, I have pieces. I just can't make up my mind. You know the thing about writing all those poems is that if your mood shifts, the poem does the same. You don't like some passages in it anymore. You have to take into account every goddamn mood! A shapeshifter. It is also protean (at least a stylish word) in style and form (I like to talk as if I know some of lit shit where I don't) - corny poem. I'll post it soon enough for you to criticize I hope.

...and I'll wash my mind with the 'desire means suffering' buddhist medikit horse manure and try to do other things like fall in love one more time... It kills me.

(read The Catcher in the Rye by J.D.Sallinger) - good book!