Wieviel kostet ein kilo Käse?

"Suddenly everything started to make sense. My eyes compelled by darker thoughts to let the excessive moist come dry, so that my startled vision could grasp a wider and sincere view of the picture. I believe I started to see the facts just as she, from such a loveless point of view, so objectively pointed out, perhaps slightly influenced by tenderness and compassion, due to some latent effect that all my words and actions had had upon her.

Nevertheless, all my doings were on behalf of my love which was entirely hers, as selfish as true and so deep I could not remember a feeling so profound. Yet I wept little during all those days when, filled with hope and anxiety, my heart struggled to translate her words and understand their meaning, while waiting ‘patiently’ for her bold acceptance of my joyous self, by the time disfigured by the attentions I came upon and to her procured, acceptance in a way that nowadays I find to be a non possum endeavour as well as childish.

I learned so much and so little. So much of myself and so little of her. Or perhaps was it the other way around? Despite the obvious pain that the ego expells from such a rejection, oblivious to it, I praised myself and not entirely for this love so free, so charming, so unattached, so sad. The countenance she wore the day she looked into my eyes and said our love could not be, I cannot put astray. It binds my attitude with charm, my body with unsatisfied wanton madness. Perhaps not as passionate as utopic, my platonic dream in front of me, challenging all logic and reason, bringing forth together all feelings of lust.

My precarious tilting heart hummed softly with these memories, boasting my mind away in sincopated heartbeats, drenching my numb body with well-known life anew. I beheld.

Quidnam commisi? Maybe the lack of wrongness preceeded failure. A layout so perfect was not meant to succeed, not from the very beginning, as it had done at the end.

It remained complete, untouchable. Unattainable but blissful. Excruciating but hilarious with freedom. Edible."

(Lost love - fragment) JH - 2004